Monday, July 25, 2011

Fat acceptance, boobs, and developing your backbone (Really big trigger warning)

  So, yeah, I've been gone for a while. I was hospitalized for mental health issues (rather than the health issues that caused the suicidal thoughts) and I've been struggling to feel like me (and human) again. I felt like I lost my sense of humor for a while, and as many of you can probably relate, that's my last stand against all the crazy and the bullshit that everyone has to deal with in different ways in their life. I finally was able to see my doc, and we've changed some things, added two different insomnia meds, and switched out my anti-depressant for a mood stabilizer. (Bi-polar? Who knew?)  On top of that, my relationship is kinda rocky. He is not a bad guy, but I think that some of the things he deals with from childhood abuse triggers my own issues with abuse and everything that comes with that, and from my own broken brain. He finds offering compassion hard because of the tough-love way he was raised, and I have to accept that I'm soft and squishy inside too, and need lots of hugs and support in my relationship. We had a fight last night in which he said that I am financially irresponsible, and there's a ring of truth there-I have the tendency to want to stick my head in the sand when things get tough, and I have to take a hard look at a lot of things, including my relationship. There are so many questions-do I have the right to say that certain people trigger me too much to be in my life? (This goes for several of L's friends who have very triggery attitudes towards women.) Where do I draw the line in the sand? Where am I just blowing things out of proportion, and what can be compromised on? Oh, and there is something else in my life needing attention asap-my boobs.
  I have been a fat activist ever since I discovered that such a thing existed, and I have my moments of peace and clarity with it, and my moments of struggling with it, as everyone does. But I live with 38Fs that once a month expand to 38Gs, and they have really started to take a toll on the pain due to scoliosis between my shoulder blades, and even interfere with my sleep. I'm a side-sleeper, so I have to sleep with my arms straight out and over the tatas, old-school zombie style. Sometimes the effort it takes to roll/hurl these babies from one side to the other wakes me up! Straight up, carrying around 20 pounds of boob (yep, I weighed 'em) is interfering with my life, and I have been able to find two solutions. One of them, breast reduction surgery, scares the hell out of me. I don't know how well I'd do with the healing process, which I've heard can take months. This leaves weight loss, so far as I can figure out. Taking off 20 or 40 pounds should (one hopes) reduce the boobs down to a more livable-with (for me) size. But how does this fit in with my fat activism? How will I deal with the comments on my body, when people around me notice? Will it trigger my disordered eating? How will I adjust the perception of myself?
 Sorry, this seems to be a post of mostly questions. But I know that of anybody, the people reading this will be most likely to be able to relate, and that gives me strength. Sometimes watching others go through the same thing helps you to not feel like it's an endless tunnel with no good answers, which in turn helps you practice yer backbone. And goddess knows I need to start looking for mine, and practicing making healthy decisions for myself.
 Hope that you are also practicing yer backbone, and that all is well with you (or as damn close as it can be in the present situation.)

5 comments:

  1. I haven't had breast reduction, but I've seriously considered it (mine are 52H, so I can sympathize with you). As far as how it should affect your fat activism, it doesn't. It's a health issue, not an image issue. As for comments from other people if/when they notice (if you decide to have it done), I'd just tell them you had done for your health and you aren't discussing it further. If they persist in questioning your motives, walk away and ignore them. They'll get the point.
    I don't think weight loss (via dieting or whatever) is much of an option, what with the abysmal success (?) rate of diets (95% of them fail to work in the long run, long run being more than 5 years). So would it really be worth it to lose weight, have smaller boobs for a while, gain the weight back, and end up with the bigger boobs again? And there's no guarantee that weight loss will make your boobs smaller unless you know that when you lose weight, you lose it there as well as other places on your body. So there's that to consider.
    Personally, I think I'd rather deal with the healing process, even if it did take months, rather than diet and risk triggering a relapse of an eating disorder.
    I think adjusting the perception of yourself may be easier than you think, especially if you're in less pain. There are advantages, and if you keep thinking of them, it could make any adjustments easier to accept.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah, very good point on the diet, but my brain still shuts down at the idea of stitches under my boobs-ouch ouch ouch! Not to mention, I have had issues in the past with not healing with regular stitches, and having to take them out and replace with those butterfly thingies. My body just has issues with healing period. Surgery is just not an option, unfortunately...unless they develop some sort of magic where they can do the reduction non-surgically, ha-ha! Yeah, I know I'm dreaming....and I also know that genetics makes the idea of dieting them down kinda hard too. So it's between a rock and a hard place with the boobs...
    Thanks for putting in your two cents!

    ReplyDelete
  3. *Hugs* Oh hun! I wish I could hug the shit out of you right now! You deserve the best this world has to offer. Anyone thinks otherwise: You send them to me! You have my number, call me anytime! Rant/yell/scream/cry/laugh, I don't care! Lay it on me! I love you! You are an amazing woman! And you need to ditch the people who are unhealthy/triggering for you. I think I know one of the peeps you're referring to. They need to go! You cannot change other people, but you can change your environment and yourself! This surgery or diet are the only options talk? BS! There are other options! For one thing there is this neato pillow thing I've seen specifically for your sleep issue. They have special sleep bras for racks of doom, too. I sleep like a zombie, too. But my rack has recently, but not quickly, gotten a bit smaller/droopier and I'm still coming to terms with that (part of the bra meltdown thing). Also, you need regular massage! Like weekly at the very least! See if you can trade services with someone in your community (if you were here my husband would just do it for you out of pure love!). You can bake them something and get a free massage out of it, or whatever. You need TLC! Not tough love. We're all going through the wringer this summer and it's pissing me right off. I know I'm not physically there, but I hope to be even a tiny positive light in your world. You deserve so much more! No one deserves to live with pain. We will find a way to get you feeling better, babe. <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you Sarah!! I was really hoping that someone would say, hey, there's this option C for the boobs that you've not thought of..thanks! I will have to look into those. I like the trade for massage thing, I'm going to have to look into that now that I'm past the paralyzing depression phase...phew. And yeah, I bet you do know which of L's friends I'm referring to...I just may take you up on the "call me to rant or whatever" thing, so that we can both growl at his misogyny and plan secret revenges that I will never carry out :) Anyway, thanks for the support, I really appreciate it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love you gurl! You're not alone! <3

    ReplyDelete